[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
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Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Birds & Planes.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?