My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
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boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Cats (2019)
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”