haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
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Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.