“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
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‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
12. I think about this all the damn time
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.