You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
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Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.