Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
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I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.