Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
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Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Cat is stressing him out.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.