Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
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I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
The 6 types of sex
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Van Gone
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days