Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
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Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
just having fun
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”