Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
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So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.