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Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Important reminders
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.