Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
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According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say