ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
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I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
How much for the goth pool noodles?