Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
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When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
My dream job is getting paid to dream
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Watson was Holmes schooled
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.