Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
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I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Thanks to a fan for this one!
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid