So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
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alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
wut hotdog?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I see your IQ test came back negative
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.