Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
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Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Home #decor warning.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.