if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
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I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.