[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
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[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.