COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
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The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats