Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
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Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭