Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
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I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Happy thanksgiving
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Twitter is an abusement park.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Haha good job!!
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.