If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
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What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.