A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
You Might Also Like
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.