coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
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Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se