I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
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Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.