When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
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george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why