trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
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Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂