hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
You Might Also Like
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too