Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*