WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
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“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.