Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
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It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
What if all the cashiers are married?
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Can’t stop laughing
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Social distancing in Australia: