Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
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Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.