I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
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Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.