Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
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Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”