DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
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“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship