My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
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IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
This is a whole mood;
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.