Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
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Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
what?
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco