*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
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If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
There’s only one good girl here!
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.