Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
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[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Breaking news:
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no