*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
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[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Sponch
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
12. I think about this all the damn time
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.