[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
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Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Rather alarming headline…
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
so this horse walks into a bar
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”