Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
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True
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
handsome & gretel
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly