To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?