Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
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Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive