Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
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ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”