Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
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Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
an airline just for babies.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.