deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
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gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.