I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
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me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.