geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
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invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat